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FLAT PACK (Monologue)

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    FLAT PACK (Monologue)

    By John Sutton | JOHN'S PSYCHIC WORLD | 0 comment | 27 July, 2016 | 0

    This amusing monologue was written by the psychic author and clairvoyant John G. Sutton about an interesting encounter he experienced whilst attempting to fathom out the construction of some ‘Flat-Pack’ furniture. It is an almost true story that anyone who has ever destroyed any self assembly furniture will undoubtedly relate to. It is written is a slightly colloquial language based on the dialect of deepest Lancashire UK the home of the poet.

     

    FLAT PACK
    by
    John G. Sutton

    Wife wanted some new stuff in’t bedroom
    A wardrobe with drawers to complete
    So she dragged me screamin’ ‘t warehouse
    An’ bought what she said was just reet

    In’t showroom it looked proper gradely
    All pine with a polish on ‘t top
    Her said it was just what she wanted
    So who am I fo’ t’ say stop?

    The salesman was really quite helpful
    Though he gave me a look I thought queer
    Then missus she pulled out me cheque book
    Said ‘we’ll tak’ it, no messin’ sign here’

    It were then that I knew the expression
    O’t salesmen, the crafty old sod
    Was one of quiet amusement
    As if he knew summat was odd

    ‘Your goods are all sealed in a flat pack’
    He said with a glint in his eye
    It was then that my heart began sinking
    Poor bugger to fix it was I

    So we get this flat pack ‘t motor
    But could we get it inside?
    It wur a nine foot wide rudy wardrobe
    Smashed car rear door as we tried

    At home with me fingers all bleeding
    I’d trapped them twixt wall and that pack
    I wur already wishin’ an’ prayin’
    She’d let me tak’ bugger straight back

    But my troubles had not even started
    If only I’d this known before
    I’d have chucked that flat pack furniture
    And not let it through me front door

    The instructions were written in English
    Least I recognised most of the words
    But the directions and diagrams differed
    And the drawings were really absurd

    I counted the nuts and the widgets
    The bolts and the dowling and screws
    The glue and the side clasps and hangers
    This really was very bad news

    The missus she stood there arms folded
    Inspecting the contents with glee
    ‘yon salesman said it were easy’
    For Einstein perhaps, but not me!

    Me glasses they soon got steamed up like
    I’d getten a sweat on me brow
    Struggling, grunting and trying
    To fix it together, but how?

    The drill holes in side ‘A’ were missing
    That or just too small to see
    I broke a screw in the end flange
    By now I was ready fot’ dee’

    There were bits here and theer on the carpet
    The dog ate the glue and was sick
    Me missus she turned var near purple
    Yelling and calling me thick!

    In the end I could take it no longer
    I took axe and chopped it to bits
    An’ burnt bloody lot in’t garden
    Me missus was ‘avin’ real fits

    Then I went to t’ best shop in ‘t city
    An’ bought new again off the floor
    It were fitted and all put together
    No flat pack for us anymore

    We’ve geet that new stuff in our bedroom
    A wardrobe with drawers fitted in
    An if thy can fathom flat packing
    Tha’rt a better mon than me Gungha Din!

    No tags.
    John Sutton

    John Sutton

    More posts by John Sutton

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