CONFESSIONS OF THE TELETUBBIES
By
John
G. Sutton
My
name is Tinky-Winky
I’m
a Teletubby on T.V.
The
children love to watch us
But
they don’t know the truth about me
I
was born and raised in Merseyside
Where
The Beatles were the rage
At
school I was the teachers pet
He
kept me in a cage
Me
mother was a dancer
On
tables in a pub
Father,
he had lots of names
Eric,
Jim, Bill or Bob
Our
home was in Mandella House
Fourteen
stories tall
We
had no gas or electric on
In
fact we’d got bugger all
But
I soon learned to amuse myself
In
that flat, so high and stinky
And
I’ve only been arrested twice
Playing
with my Tinky-Winky
I’m
a Tellytubby on T.V.
The
children love to watch us
But
they don’t know the truth about me
I
was born in Southport
Where
the ladies and gentlefolk stay
It
was there that I learned about boozing
From
me father who supped night and day
I
started by nicking his empties
And
swigging the dregs he had left
Then
progressed to knocking back egg flip
The
gin and the whisky were next
Age
fifteen I drank like a squadie
And
swore like a trooper as well
Mixing
strong cider with sherry
I
was on me way to hell
Then
one day I tried a new mixture
Called
jake, meths and coke, made me tipsy
The
police led me off in a quickstep
And
the doctor said I was a dipsy
My
name is Po
And
I’m a Teletubby on T.V.
The
children all love to watch us
But
they don’t know a thing about me
I
was born to a Lord and Lady
Silver
spoon fed, coat of arms
My
early days spent at Eaton
Taught
me to use all of my charms
Then
on to read History at Cambridge
Bedding
the Dean and his wife
The
world really was my oyster
I
opened it up, with a knife
In
the city I certainly prospered
Cutting
deals, from the inside of course
Ripping
off the pension schemes
My
way and showed no remorse
Discovered
my tax fraud, you know
Six
years in a cell doing porridge
For
a loo just a dirty old po
My
name is La La
I’m
a Tellytubby on T.V.
The
children all love to watch us
But
they don’t know a thing about me
Born
male, but unsure of my gender
Mother
always wanted a girl
She
curled my hair, I was slender
In
high heels I could do quite a twirl
At
school I was the heroine
Played
Juliet to a rough Romeo
The
gym teacher taught me funny press-ups
He
said I could call him Joe
I
loved ‘The Village People’
Y.M.C.A.
and ‘In The Navy’
I
met lots of interesting sailors
In
the bars, down by the quay
Some
say that I’m a transvestite
They
laugh at my padded bra
And
smile at the pink frilly undies
Who
cares, I’m Free! La La La
And
that is the tale of the Teletubbies
Each
one’s a sinner it’s true
But
people don’t judge them too harshly
‘Cos
they can’t be much worse than YOU!
By
John
G. Sutton
My
name is Tinky-Winky
I’m
a Teletubby on T.V.
The
children love to watch us
But
they don’t know the truth about me
I
was born and raised in Merseyside
Where
The Beatles were the rage
At
school I was the teachers pet
He
kept me in a cage
Me
mother was a dancer
On
tables in a pub
Father,
he had lots of names
Eric,
Jim, Bill or Bob
Our
home was in Mandella House
Fourteen
stories tall
We
had no gas or electric on
In
fact we’d got bugger all
But
I soon learned to amuse myself
In
that flat, so high and stinky
And
I’ve only been arrested twice
Playing
with my Tinky-Winky
I’m
a Tellytubby on T.V.
The
children love to watch us
But
they don’t know the truth about me
I
was born in Southport
Where
the ladies and gentlefolk stay
It
was there that I learned about boozing
From
me father who supped night and day
I
started by nicking his empties
And
swigging the dregs he had left
Then
progressed to knocking back egg flip
The
gin and the whisky were next
Age
fifteen I drank like a squadie
And
swore like a trooper as well
Mixing
strong cider with sherry
I
was on me way to hell
Then
one day I tried a new mixture
Called
jake, meths and coke, made me tipsy
The
police led me off in a quickstep
And
the doctor said I was a dipsy
My
name is Po
And
I’m a Teletubby on T.V.
The
children all love to watch us
But
they don’t know a thing about me
I
was born to a Lord and Lady
Silver
spoon fed, coat of arms
My
early days spent at Eaton
Taught
me to use all of my charms
Then
on to read History at Cambridge
Bedding
the Dean and his wife
The
world really was my oyster
I
opened it up, with a knife
In
the city I certainly prospered
Cutting
deals, from the inside of course
Ripping
off the pension schemes
My
way and showed no remorse
Discovered
my tax fraud, you know
Six
years in a cell doing porridge
For
a loo just a dirty old po
My
name is La La
I’m
a Tellytubby on T.V.
The
children all love to watch us
But
they don’t know a thing about me
Born
male, but unsure of my gender
Mother
always wanted a girl
She
curled my hair, I was slender
In
high heels I could do quite a twirl
At
school I was the heroine
Played
Juliet to a rough Romeo
The
gym teacher taught me funny press-ups
He
said I could call him Joe
I
loved ‘The Village People’
Y.M.C.A.
and ‘In The Navy’
I
met lots of interesting sailors
In
the bars, down by the quay
Some
say that I’m a transvestite
They
laugh at my padded bra
And
smile at the pink frilly undies
Who
cares, I’m Free! La La La
And
that is the tale of the Teletubbies
Each
one’s a sinner it’s true
But
people don’t judge them too harshly
‘Cos they can’t be much worse than YOU!